Well, I guess we need to be very careful what we wish for. It's been said many times before and no doubt will be many times in the future but last Sunday (April 15th) L - the long suffering current Mrs Snigel) and I had a free and frank exchange of views which centred on my propensity for choosing to be away from home so much in my leisure time (running, gym, playing in amateur orchestras, school governor, community orchard...). Most people reading this - at least at first - will know that I spend approximately 3 weeks in 4 away from home for work purposes and run around 35miles a week and play for every orchestra who asks!! Anyway, we determined and resolved to spend more time together.
Monday 16th was a day off which I spent partly at the allotment (going "aaaaaargh - SO many weeds") and recovering from Sunday's 21 mile run (Stratford Marathon on April 29th). I did the p.m. school run, took the cat to the vet (bitten tail...) and cooked tea before having an echocardiogram (ongoing tests) over in Solihull. Fell asleep on the sofa and went to bed at 1 ish. Woke up at 4, noted the time with relief (i.e. not 6) and went back to sleep. Came to at 5:30 in the arms of a paramedic being told that I had had a seizure. Told her - blearily but confidently - that I lived in Coughton and asked for my Mum. Left the one in 1984 and lost the other in 2000......
It seems that I had suffered a grand mal fit. Perhaps the panic/anxiety attacks I've been having for the last 18+ months were petit mal seizures? My GP certainly thinks so - as does the hospital consultant. At least the emergency CT scan - which L had to get quite assertive about - showed no sign of either bleed or tumour. MRI this week, EEG next.
This has been a week in which at one fell swoop I have lost all my independence. Well, I can still wash and toilet myself (but not with the door closed) and dress myself (I may look like a dog's dinner but 'twas ever thus). But - I cannot be on my own, I am not allowed to drive for 6 months at least nor ride a motorbike, I am not allowed to run until I get the all clear, nor fly ditto, playing the horn is "not advisable" (and anyway I can't get to venues on my own). So - we will be spending a lot more time together. Good thing we get on really!
How do I feel?? Grateful to be alive, grateful to live in a country with an excellent free health care service, grateful that this didn't happen while I was driving or in a hotel bed on my own and hugely grateful for my fabulous immediate family of L and the star 12 year old E. However I also feel bloody angry and fearful for the future. I beat diabetes and I will beat this but there are many imponderables right now. As I manage diabetes with diet and exercise but I can't run (at the moment) is my blood sugar going to destabilise? How long will it be before I can get back to work? Why don't I feel "ill"? I haven't really cried or shouted yet but I'm sure it will come.
Oh yes - on top of all of this I bit through my tongue and wet myself!
Careful what you wish for.
Perhaps this blog will be cathartic for you Nige - it certainly makes fascinating reading and gives a beautifully penned (rather typed) account of your ongoing sufferings and life obstacles. I am however, certain that you WILL learn to adapt, just as you have with all the other banana skins that have been put in your path. I look forward to reading the next installment, although one cannot but hope for more encouraging news. As for 'be careful what you wish for', well, it certainly makes one think... and be thankful.
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